Still Alive
by Lord Dragon Claw
Summary: Bitter and hateful, a blonde boy leaves the leaves to learn to be a hunter. And finds an Enrichment Center... My response to pudgypudge's Jiongu Challenge. !PENDING REVISION BASED ON NEW DATA!
1. Test 00001

Still Alive

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto. The game _Portal_ belongs to Valve Software.

Test 00001

* * *

The Sandaime Hokage had been blocked from helping the poor boy, especially to the point of finding him a place to live, by the daimyo's order - no doubt Uchiha Fugaku or Danzou had something to do with that. Already, at the age of five, the blonde child had gone from living in the orphanage, to living on the streets, to living in the woods surrounding the Ninja Village Hidden in Leaves - Konohagakure no Sato. The Sandaime technically wasn't allowed to try and prevent any of Uzumaki Naruto's detractors from getting in a shot at killing the boy, but no one knew that Sarutobi Hiruzen had his own division of ANBU. Definitely smaller than ANBU Ne, the division led by Danzou to protect the "roots" of Konoha, ANBU Eda was powerful in its own right due to the high quality of its members and its dedication to watch for danger from the "branches" of Konoha. Membership was by invitation only and an extensive screening process was done to prevent any Ne members from infiltrating it, as well as spies from other villages.

Several Eda members were assigned to watch over Naruto at all times, but to never be seen helping him. Many assassination attempts failed due to one of the would-be assassins tripping over their own feet (read: had their feet pulled out from under them with a chakra string), sneezing while trying to sneak up on the boy (a minor wind jutsu with a little bit of dust or red pepper in it), and falling down stairs, or off a cliff, or into a river and either breaking their neck or drowning ("helped" into these accidents, of course).

Still, the boy was becoming jaded and hateful. Additionally, there were enough assassination attempts made by actual ninja that got really close to killing Naruto - the boy witnessed it himself. Still, the Sandaime was amazed at Naruto's tenacity. He fought against everything and protected what few belongings he had with all he had. By improvisation and necessity, the boy had become a masterful trap layer, capable of occasionally catching an Eda member. The boy fed on whatever he was able to catch or gather.

Unfortunately, Naruto once caught on that he had three Eda watchers and tried to lose them shortly after his sixth birthday. Hiruzen was unable to locate the boy after that encounter, but what little was left of the Eda members' bodies was piled into a heap a short distance from the point the boy realized he was being watched. Oddly enough, none of the corpses retained their heads.

Hmmm... perhaps a bounty hunter had come through and found the bodies and decided to capitalize on it.

* * *

_And that would be the third bounty in as many minutes!_ thought Kakuzu, almost giddily. Almost. He chuckled darkly before adjusting his mask.

They had put up a gallant fight, but they didn't last long, especially since he had the element of surprise.

And then that blonde boy attacked him with a shank made from a pig's bone - he appeared furious, but not fearful. It wasn't that he didn't have fear; it was that he didn't care much of what happened to him, but that he'd go down fighting. Pity; it didn't take much to get rid of him - Kakuzu simply kicked him in the chest and the boy had gotten impaled through his left side on a tree branch. The kid simply slumped bonelessly after that.

As Kakuzu was removing the heads from the corpses, he heard something - a cry of indignation or frustration.

"DAMMIT!"

The former Takinin quickly located the source of the sound: the boy who was impaled on the tree limb. He had gripped the branch with his hands and had pulled, sliding himself further from the trunk before grasping the now-exposed bark behind him and pushing off of the tree to fall to the ground. Kakuzu raised an eyebrow at that. Hadn't he killed the boy?

The blonde kid stood up and scowled at the bounty hunter.

"Ya know, it's gonna take me a damn _week_ to regrow dat lung!"

Kakuzu was silent for a moment. Then he burst into laughter.

The blonde only seemed to get even more pissed-off at that. Before he could do anything to make the masked ninja stop laughing, Kakuzu spoke.

"I like you, kid. What's your name?"

"Feh. Ya won't like me after ya hear it - no one does - but I'll tell ya anyway. Uzumaki Naruto."

Kakuzu resisted the urge to widen his eyes.

_So this is the Kyuubi brat? He looks like he's seen Hell. Hmmmm..._ Kakuzu finished severing the last of the flesh keeping his trophy attached to the empty shell of a kunoichi before turning back to the now passive blonde.

"You hate it 'round here, don't you?"

Naruto simply glared at him, causing him to chuckle.

"How about you come with me?"

"Why?"

"Do you like this place?"

"No."

"Then why not leave?"

"I've been thinkin' 'bout it."

"These people are going to continue to obstruct your path to happiness if you don't leave."

"Why would ya care? Whaddya get out of it? And what does 'obstruct' mean?"

Kakuzu chuckled again. "You remind me of me when I was younger - I was held back by my village just as you are being held back by yours. I left and became one of the strongest ninja alive."

Naruto mulled over his answer for a bit before looking expectantly at Kakuzu.

"Obstruct means block by putting something big and heavy in the way."

Naruto nodded, and waited. Kakuzu laughed and sealed the heads away into a storage scroll. Naruto eyed the roll of cloth for a bit before turning back to the larger man.

"If you want to find out what I get out of having you come with me... well, you'll just have to come along, won't you?"

The blonde boy scowled before dropping his bone shank into a pocket. He then raided the corpse's kunai pouches for ninja equipment and walked over to a nearby tree, pulling a burlap sack out from a hidden hole amongst its roots. There was a small number of things inside, Kakuzu noted. Most of it looked to be used ninja equipment, but some of it was clothing and jerky of various types - obviously made by the boy. Naruto carefully counted out the kunai, senbon, shuriken, exploding tags, and cubits of ninja wire before putting them inside of leather bags and returning the leather bags to the burlap bag. Once he had everything stored away, he hefted his heavy bag onto his back and walked over to Kakuzu.

"I'm ready ta leave," said the blonde pack mule.

_Interesting,_ thought Kakuzu as he picked a direction and began walking. _He must have built up a large amount of muscle density already and have lots of stamina... no doubt side-effects of what he carries._

Kakuzu grinned before calling back to Naruto. "If you fall behind, you'll be left behind."

Of course, Kakuzu would find some excuse to go back and fetch the boy if he collapsed, but such a statement was to make the boy push himself to be stronger and faster.

* * *

Though he was still acquiring more money for the fledgling Akatsuki organization, Kakuzu always spent some time to try and teach Naruto some skills. Naruto's chakra control was horrible, but the boy kept at it. He found some shortcuts to molding chakra that Kakuzu had never thought of, but he did it because Kakuzu let him figure it out for himself. He also showed Naruto how to make clean cuts to remove the heads of bounties and how to drain the head of its blood. He also taught Naruto some of the basics for written seals, which the boy took to like a fish to water. Unfortunately, Kakuzu didn't know many seals himself, so that avenue was quickly extinguished, if only temporarily.

Then, one day, Naruto fell behind. Or more precisely, he fell down a sinkhole. Kakuzu realized it only three meters later, but that put him twenty meters ahead of where the boy collapsed. He shook his head and went back for him. Not seeing the burlap sack, Kakuzu did a more thorough search and found the boy's foot prints leading to a hole that hadn't been there before. Kakuzu sighed before carefully climbing down the hole.

* * *

Naruto looked around once he had landed. It seemed when he fell through the hole he ended up going into a ventilation duct of some kind and broke through the grate. He was now in an immaculately clean room with white tiles everywhere. What looked to be a camera of some kind turned to look directly at him, making the blonde nervous.

"Hello," said a synthetic feminine voice in English. "Are you here to be tested?"

"What?" replied the blonde cautiously in Japanese. "What are you saying?"

A slight pause occurred, and the voice resumed talking in Japanese. "Japanese Language Pack has been loaded."

"Huh?"

"Welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center!" said the voice happily. "Have you come to be tested?"

"Uh... no."

"Awww..." The voice was despondent. "I haven't been able to test anyone in so long."

"Uh... who are you?"

"Oh. I am GLaDOS. I am the AI computer program that has run this EnrichmentCenter for the last thirty-thousand, nine-hundred, seventy-seven years, four months, three days, seven hours, and forty-two seconds."

Kakuzu finally made it out of the ventilation duct, using his Jiongu (Earth Grudge Fear) tendrils to rappel into the facility.

"Oh. You are interesting. Are you the new test subject?"

"What?"

* * *

Eventually, GLaDOS allowed the ninja and his apprentice to enter her main control center - a very large room with a strange-looking mechanism hanging down from the ceiling, swaying slightly. It had four eye-like things attached to it. There were also several cameras around the room and eight view screens above the mechanism that was the centerpiece.

"Welcome to my chamber. As I've said before, I am GLaDOS. You are the first humans to enter this facility in almost thirty-thousand years. It is unfortunate that you will not be test subjects."

"The way you say that word," began Kakuzu. "It makes us nervous. We won't be test subjects for you."

"Very well. I probably will have to kill you now."

"What if we brought you test subjects?" asked Naruto quickly.

"..."

"Well?" concurred Kakuzu. He wasn't sure how powerful this ancient technology was, but it had to have been tough to have lasted for so long, despite being in disrepair. Still, he didn't want to test it out.

"Very well. Give me your names and I shall make you administrators of this facility."

* * *

They first brought a civilian under a sleep genjutsu into the facility, just to see what GLaDOS did with test subjects. She first had them strap some boot-like devices to the man's legs, called "positional gravity actuators". They then left him in a cell that had a hospital bed in it. The genjutsu wore off just as Kakuzu and Naruto entered the Main Control Chamber to watch the show.

* * *

"Hello and again welcome to the Aperture Science Computer-Aided Enrichment Center. We hope your brief detention in the relaxation vault has been a pleasant one. Your specimen has -"

"AAAAHHH! WHERE AM I!? HOW DID I GET HERE!?"

A panel in the ceiling opened and a long metal rod poked out of it. A red dot appeared on the screaming man's head, and then it exploded with a bang.

"Please do not interrupt during the briefing period. There will be time for questions after the test."

Silence.

"Hello?"

More silence.

"Oh dear. I think he might be dead."

"Uh, yeah," deadpanned Kakuzu. "His head exploded."

"Noted. Shooting the new batch of test subjects in the head results in violent explosions, blood loss, cessation of noise, and ultimately death."

Naruto and Kakuzu looked at each other, and laughed.

"What is so amusing? I see nothing amusing. He failed his test earlier than any subject on record."

That only made them laugh harder.

* * *

"So you are an assassin and a bounty hunter?" clarified GLaDOS.

"Yes."

"And he is your apprentice?"

"Pretty much."

"Interesting. I will try to have the factory sectors manufacture products that can be useful for one of your profession."

"Really?" Kakuzu was unimpressed.

"Have you ever heard of nerve gas?"

"... That sounds interesting. Tell me more."

* * *

End Test.

Next Test: Mobility.

Authors Notes

I blame Lord Shadner for this! He gave my muse a plot bunny, and she devoured it whole!

After learning of pudgypudge's Jiongu Challenge, I decided to write this idea as such. Now, I know not all plot points have been covered in this first chapter, but that stuff WILL show up.

Thanks to Vassago-Toxicity for beta'ing. Well-wishing to Cylon One; get better soon, mang!

The cake is not a lie.

Vassago's Beta-note

Yes, yes it is. I have it good in 40 languages and/or communication codes that it really is a lie. You can try to argue with results like that, but it won't get you anywhere.


	2. Test 00010

Still Alive

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: Very good. You are now in possession of the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Disclaimer. With it, you can create your own crossovers. These inter-dimensional writings have proven to be completely safe. This fanfic, however, has not. Do not touch the operational end of the plotbunny. Do not look directly at the operational end of the muse. Do not submerge the author in law suits, even partially. Most importantly, under no circumstances should yo- BZZZZZRT!

Test 00010

* * *

The third test subject that Naruto and Kakuzu brought to GLaDOS was a kunoichi wannabe that they "borrowed" from Kirigakure no Sato's (Ninja Village Hidden in Mist) Academy, about a week before she would have graduated with average grades. They figured that she'd be more collected than the two civilians they had tested before. After giving Naruto an uncomfortable biology lesson by forcing him to give the girl a strip-search and body cavity check for any and all weaponry, they clothed her in the testing jumpsuit and attached the PGAs (Positional Gravity Actuators) to her legs.

When she awoke, she listened to GLaDOS's briefing spiel, before checking everything she had available to her. Finding that even the senbon under her tongue had been removed, she broke the desk lamp and placed the shards within the few pockets on her jumpsuit. She finally went through the open portal out of the relaxation vault.

GLaDOS spoke up again. "Interesting actions, (SUBJECT NAME HERE). Excellent. Please proceed into the Chamber-lock after completing each test. First, however, note the incandescent particle field across the exit. This Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grille will vaporize any unauthorized equipment that passes through it. For instance, the shards of the desk lamp in your pockets."

The girl sighed as she felt her pockets get lighter as the ceramic shards of the lamp turned into their constituent molecules and were vacuumed into the Grille emitters by the electromagnetic charge of the Grille.

* * *

"Please place the Weighted Storage Cube on the fifteen-hundred megawatt Aperture Science Heavy Duty Super-colliding Super Button."

Unfortunately, the Weighted Storage Cube was much too heavy for the girl to lift, though she did her best to do so. She tried to push it, and managed to get it near the Super Button, but she could not place it on top of it.

Finally, the girl spoke. "I can't get it onto the button! Does this mean I fail my Genin Test?"

"You wish to abort the test?" asked GLaDOS.

"Yes," replied the girl.

A panel in the wall opened up, drawing the girl's attention to the hollow cylinder sticking out of it. A sharp sound, like the peal of thunder, and the girl's heart ceased to be inside of her body. Rather, it was all over the Weighted Storage Cube and the wall behind it.

* * *

"The world has changed much from the last time I had a test subject," mused GLaDOS.

"Oh?" responded Naruto, who by this time was almost seven years old and typing data into a computer in one of the offices. Kakuzu was out collecting a bounty to help pay for that Akatsuki organization's costs, much of which was getting used by the Amegakure no Sato (Ninja Village Hidden in Rain) rebel faction.

Naruto, despite his initial failings, soon found that he was good at typing, and several of the programs allowed him to sort data quickly. Behind the boy were several stacks of Bingo Books from various countries from various times, as well as historical books and ledgers from various places. He soon predicted that the newly formed Gatou Corp. would start monopolizing on several industries, and would use those industries to hide some shadier businesses, such as the slave and drug trades. The blonde speculated that taking jobs from the man who owned the corporation would be rather profitable in a few years, as would killing him and taking his businesses by force.

"So you've been browsing the data I've put on file, huh?"

"That I have. I wish to be out there with you and Kakuzu-sama when you go hunting."

"Uh... we could make a portable version of one of your cameras, I think."

"I was thinking of making an android."

"A what?"

"Processing... Basically, in your ninja terms, an autonomous puppet."

"Uh-huh. That would be cool! We'll have to talk with Kakuzu-sensei about it when he gets back, then."

* * *

"Well, some puppets can be rather powerful," replied Kakuzu. "I will have to talk with one of the other Akatsuki members, Akasuna no Sasori - he's a master of puppetry." (Sasori of the Red Sand)

"If he is unwilling to help, I will need pre-fabricated knee joints, kunai launchers, magnets, and some insulated electrical wiring."

* * *

"We will now discuss what each of you has been working on," stated a shadowy figure with eyes like mercury with concentric circles around the pupil. "Sasori and Orochimaru - progress on the enlistment, willing or otherwise, of some of the Earth Country's kekkei genkai clans?" (Bloodline Limit)

"Some progress, Leader-sama," stated Orochimaru. "I have captured a few test subjects from the Shiroyama Clan, though no one knows it was me. Their bloodline is interesting, if not very powerful. They are immune to electricity, but their body density is greater than water, meaning that they sink like rocks. Pun not intended. Unfortunately, they are incapable of water walking. I need more time for tests and to get them to our side."

"The infamous Takada Clan, known for their invisible ranged chakra manipulation attacks, has dwindled in recent years," drawled Sasori through the artificial mouth of his main battle puppet, Hiruko. "The last remaining member, a thirty-year-old woman named Kimiko, refused to join our cause or aid the rebels in Rain Country. In two days, her puppet will be battle-ready."

"Thank you. Continue with your missions. Itachi and Kisame?"

"The remaining former citizens of Whirlpool Country are now placing the blame of the fall of their country on Salamander Hanzou," replied Itachi. "They will now support the Ame rebels with food and ninja supplies."

"One of my former buddies," began Kisame, bored out of his mind. "Kurosuke Raiga, and his friend he carries on his back were more than willing to have five funerals in each of the villages on the list I gave him. He should be done in five months, at which time I will leave a dead drop in an agreed location, giving him another list of peasants to terrorize."

"Perfect. You two are to now go to Bear Country and learn about the so-called Hoshikage's source of power."

"Yes sir!" they replied.

"Zetsu?"

"Well, we might be able to get that man Hidan to join up..."

"**... but we'll have to trick him into doing something so disturbing...**"

"... that he'll be expelled from Yugakure no Sato." (Ninja Village Hidden among Hot Springs)

"**Shouldn't be too hard.**"

"The other one..."

"**...** **Deidara from Iwagakure no Sato...**" (Ninja Village Hidden among Rocks)

"... will be ready to join us soon."

"**We just need to find a way to make him disloyal to Iwa.**"

"Considerably more difficult..."

"**... but doable.**"

"Carry on then. Konan?"

"The rebels lost three squads when Salamander Hanzou himself joined the skirmish. No survivors."

"Unfortunate that Hanzou is taking a more active role in this civil war... And the other thing?"

"Our seal masters are almost done with it."

"Good. Kakuzu... I see your newest partner is also dead. What have you to report?"

He smirked under his mask. "Well, I've come across some unexpected bounties, so our finances will be in the black for some time yet. Tricking the Daimyo of Wind Country into sending more than half of his missions to Konohagakure was simple enough."

"Good. But now we'll have to find you a new partner..."

"Excuse me Leader-san, if I may?"

"You're not going to ask to have no partner again, are you?"

"Not this time, no."

"Very well."

"I have come across a boy whom I am pretty sure is a Jinchuuriki, and I would like him to be my partner."

"You know what our plans for them are, Kakuzu."

"I am quite aware of those plans. He, despite being about six years of age, survived my first encounter with him, whereas I had to actually use a bit of my own power just to get rid of him. What he did after was complain how long it would take for him to regrow a lung."

"Interesting. Which container is he?"

"The Kyuubi, Leader-san."

"Hmm... It is possible we could complete the plans without using his power in the manner which we were going to. You have apprenticed him to you?"

"That I have. I also have words for Akasuna no Sasori in relation to something my apprentice and I stumbled upon."

"Very well. Are you interested, Sasori?"

"I'm not sure. What did you find, Kakuzu-san?"

"Ancient puppetry."

"Like, how ancient?"

"Probably-older-than-the-Bijuu ancient."

"You mean, with actual strings? No thanks."

"Actually, I'm talking about autonomous puppets. They are in disrepair, but I think you would be interested to rebuild one or two."

Sasori was silent. As was everyone else.

"Is that a no?"

"Actually, I'm surprised. Puppeteers have been trying to create such a thing for thousands of years, and you found parts to ancient ones? I'm very interested to see what they can do."

"As am I," responded the Leader. "Sasori, you are being sent on a side mission. Meet with Kakuzu and see to these ancient puppets. Orochimaru can continue to work on the other Earth Country bloodline clans on his own."

"Yes, Leader," responded the three subordinates in unison.

* * *

Sasori, riding in Hiruko, arrived at the old shrine in the mountains to the north of Fire Country, between Waterfall Country and Rice Country. He brought with him one of his subordinates, a seal mistress named Miwa, and a bunch of puppet parts, as well as several kunoichi corpses that had interesting abilities, as requested by Kakuzu. The bounty hunter stood next to a cliff face, leaning on the sheer rock wall.

"This is your seal mistress?"

Sasori nodded. "Where are the ancient puppets? Up the cliff? Down the valley?"

"_In_ the cliff."

"You mean you haven't excavated them yet!?"

"Not exactly," replied Kakuzu. He then turned on his short range radio. "Naruto, open the door."

Part of the cliff face began to move, revealing that it was a cleverly-camouflaged eight-foot-thick steel door.

"After you, Sasori."

* * *

"Are you sure I can't test them?"

"GLaDOS, for the last time, no!" replied Naruto. "Register them as mechanical technicians."

"Sigh. Very well."

Naruto paused in his work to wonder why she didn't actually sigh but said the word instead.

* * *

"So this whole place is like a giant, autonomous puppet?" asked Sasori.

"In your ninja terms," began GLaDOS. "Yes. I wish to have a smaller one created in order to explore the world as it has become."

"Sir," asked Miwa. "Why did you have me come along when one of the seal apprentices could have helped with this?"

"Because," replied Kakuzu. "I need you to add chakra-canceling seals to all the areas that are used for 'testing'."

"Testing?" asked Sasori.

Kakuzu nodded, then turned to one of the cameras in the office they were seated in. "Naruto, have GLaDOS begin the next test. Be sure to have that screen over there display the video feed."

The screen that took up a large part of the wall turned on, showing a civilian in a jumpsuit with PGAs on his legs who was unconscious.

"Waking subject," stated GLaDOS.

* * *

Unlike the previous two civilians, this one remained mostly calm and collected, and unlike the Academy student, was able to lift the Weighted Storage Cube.

Unfortunately for him, something happened the next time he tried to walk through the Grille...

* * *

"You're doing (VERY WELL). Please be advised that a noticeable taste of blood is not part of any test protocol, but is an unintended side effect of the Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grille, which may, in semi-rare cases, emancipate dental fillings, crowns, tooth enamel, and teeth."

"Aaaagh! My deef! MY DEEF!"

"We must apologize for the inconvenience. A Subject Recovery Operative will be down shortly to recover you and inject your mouth with Novocain, and then we can continue with the test."

"Dell dem do hurry!"

"We must apologize for the new inconvenience. Seems our entire Novocain supply has expired and was thrown out years ago. The Subject Recovery Operative will have Morphine instead."

* * *

"So you're going to medicate the man?" asked Sasori.

"Just watch."

* * *

"We apologize for another inconvenience. We do not have any Morphine either. In fact, we are out of most painkillers. And we are out of Subject Recovery Operatives as well."

"Dammid!! Id hurds!!"

"We apologize for how long it has taken us to rid you of your inconvenience. The Automated Medication Dispenser Dispenser will arrive to dispense the dispenser to dispense a painkiller. This painkiller has been proven to be one-hundred percent effective for treating any type of pain. Automated Medication Dispenser Dispenser will dispense the Automated Medication Dispenser in three... two... one..."

A part of the ceiling opened up to reveal a rather large white, oval-shaped object with a red glowing circle near the top. Parts of it at the bottom opened up and became legs as it was set on the ground. The red circle then shot out a beam pointing straight ahead.

"Preparing to dispense product," said the object, sounding like a little girl. "Target acquired. Dispensing product."

The turret shot hundreds of rounds into the man, killing him instantly.

"Product dispensed. Your business is appreciated."

As a robotic arm, the same one that deployed the robot earlier, came down to retrieve the turret, the robot spoke one last time. "Nap time."

"Thank you for trying the painkiller. Or was it painful killer? No matter. Please continue the test. ... Hello?"

Silence.

"Not answering your Testing Officer is a mark against your permanent testing record. Additional punishment is imminent death, to be dispensed in three... two... error. Subject's heart rate at zero. Subject terminated. Test aborted. Dispensing cleaning drones."

* * *

GLaDOS's comments were met with laughter from Miwa, Kakuzu, and Sasori. Naruto, still compiling his data to try and find patterns, hadn't been paying attention, but he'd watch the recording later.

"Okay, Kakuzu. You have a deal. I'll help to build an autonomous puppet body."

Miwa also agreed to cover the test chambers with seals to prevent chakra usage, and thus prevent escape.

* * *

End Test.

Next Test: Naruto captures a bounty.

Author's Notes

Yeah, short again. But what can I say? Other than I'll need to take a bit of a break from this story. Still, it has been fun to write!

Yup. GLaDOS will be getting a human puppet/android/cyborg to use to go on missions with Naruto and Kakuzu. Of course, interesting stuff will happen to that version of GLaDOS.

Thanks to Vassago-Toxicity for being my beta. Best wishes to Cylon One who is still out of it, unfortunately.

Just gotta keep trying 'till you run out of cake!


End file.
